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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Wasn't prepared for the intense cravings...

I just had a temper tantrum of sorts, which is very unlike me. My poor husband has been trying to not eat around me for two days, and he thought he would make himself some scrambled eggs w/ onion, spinach, and tomato while I was locked in my room with the laptop. Smelling it really set me off! Basically, I want to eat, even though I know it will not be good for me to do so, just like years ago when I was trying to quit smoking. Only, I think these intense cravings are HARDER than the smoking ones (not really sure, it’s been so long I don’t really remember). I'm going back and forth between abdominal discomfort and nausea, to wanting to eat everything I've been allowing myself to eat all these years. It's just like drug detox!

I’m having such conflicting feelings right now. I don’t know if I can do this, BUT if I don’t do this, if I fail, then I SUCK. I told my husband that. He asked me, “Would you really think you suck?” And I said YES! If I can’t complete this, after all my resolve to do it, with all the reasons why I SHOULD, then I am a total loser. I need to do this so I can believe in myself. That there is a hell of a revelation. Clearly, I have a lot of work still to do on loving myself.

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